How my relatives stole Chinese New Year

Now that my chinese new year is almost over, i guess its time to lay out what happened.

the 1st day of cny started off with the usual visiting with my 7th grand aunt or rather the canto machine gun (cmg). since that was the 1st house i visited i tried my best to look excited. as usual she greeted us in her signature brown flowery PJs then poured us tea and started to yak. well this is the part where i love the most about cantonese people: they really know how to sing praises. a visit from my cantonese relatives is a major ego booster. so she commended about how dashing i looked and how sexy my tan is (and i shan't talk too much about before you guys decide to read something else instead). the other reason why i love cantonese people is that they speak really fast so in the same 45 minute visit, they can manage to cover 5 of cmg's visit to the doctors', how sick the jurassic park granny is and how her sons pushed her around cause they dont want to take care of her, her fixed deposit, the inevitable retrenchment of her son and of course this years budget.

next was jurassic park granny. she looked really cute this year in her granny clothes and a hot pink hairband, hell i will choose her over hello kitties any year. shes really sick now and she cant give my mother oranges without help cause her arthritis is really bad. this year my really hot cousin came before us and so i sat on the sofa watching her all the time. actually it was only this year that i realized that she had an older brother cause i was all too interested in his sister and my dick and hence ignoring the presence of a competing dick.

the 3rd house i went to was the pau bitch (well you will know why she became a pau bitch this year later). the weirdest thing this year was that the aunt who loved to talk to my mother hid in her room all the time. my mother reckoned that it was due to the fact that my brother OWNED her daughter's FUGLY ASS at PSLE. anyway the pau bitch served us paus this year which my stomach graciously accepted with extra servings cause she said that she bought the paus from tanjiong ru(it was freakin tanjoing ru damit how do you beat their paus?!). well they say greed is the root of all evil and my worn out anus and i can testify - i spent the night and the next day shitting and farting.

finally i went to my ah ma house where i helped my cousin lose $2.50.

well cny aint over for me cause day 2 is brunch with my paternal side of my very very big family tree. this year only one of my cousin whom i often mistake as a bowling ball came in a really red sweater which makes him look like those crab meat thingys with the claw. the others are probably on their 3-for-1 liposuction package. well thats really good cause no one is going to snatch my roast pork. my uncles are so freaking full of fats and oil that looking at them makes me wanna blot my face. speaking of being disgusted by them, i was rather grotesque during that dinner. well as you know i was high on shit flow taht day but i cant leave the table then come back smelling like 17 years of shit all over my body. side note: the restaurant was really packed and the chairs had holes at the back. back to the story, i had no choice but to let out silent farts through the holes but as we all know, silent ones are the deadliest. and so whenever i farted i turned around, pinched my nose and made a distinctive frown at the guy sitting behind me. hell it smelled so bad that it was quite impressive; even Chanel would want to bottle it and debut its so-stinky-till-it-smells-so-nice series (i call it Chanel no.-1).

so i fastforward past my mundane 3 days in school till to day when cmg made her annual pilgrimage to my house for a 5 hr visit. thank god she gave us a 60 percent this year and stayed for only 2 hrs

CNY is more or less over for me. i challenge all bloggers to blog about how bad their CNY was. the worst cny wins a lifetime membership in my fanclub and a guranteed position in my council.